Monday, May 3, 2010

Look Out! It's A Ramble!

I'm having one of those self-reflective days today. I have these now and then - I freak out that I'm 25 and haven't become that 'successful' artist/designer that I was planning on being. I freak out that I don't know what 'I want to be when I grow up'. I freak out that I want to have kids in the next five years and all of a sudden there's not enough room for all the other things I want to do that have to fit in the space between! And most of all I freak out that I'm not drawing enough, and maybe if I don't draw something soon, I'll forget how to draw forever and ever...!

Sometimes I swear I'm two people in one. The best way for me to describe that is I'm an insanely creative, free spirit, trapped in an uber-organised, paranoid perfectionist shell. These are surely the traits of two different people!?

My shell stops me from committing to the real me. It stops me from sharing my creativeness which I really want to do, and from sharing the un-edited version of myself. The stupid thing is that I have books and books of drawings I've started, ideas for drawings, and ideas for things to design and make... but I'm so scared it'll all come out wrong when I try to produce the real deal that I tend not to start at all. It's safer that way, right?!

And this internet is no help at all. It is my best friend, it is my worst enemy. I see something better then my work and boom! Self doubt sets in and then there's no way I'm committing pencil to paper.

When I look back at my blog and the things that have slipped out now and then it's kinda funny.
Sometimes I wonder what possessed me, sometimes I wonder how I can feel so confident as to click that PUBLISH button, and sometimes I wish I could un-click it!

Probably like this post, I'll want to take this back soon...

4 comments:

Stephanie said...

We all have moments like that. Whenever I feel that way I remember the saying "There's no sin in failing. The sin is in never trying." Go for your dreams, lady and try not to compare yourself with others. Easier said than done, I know....

Bee said...

Don't worry, I feel like this all the time! Try and use the things you see on the internet as inspiration and not a hindrance to producing your own work.

FaerySarah said...

no don't!

I feel like this all the time, esp the free spirited being kept in an organised shell. :-(

and yeah totally i so see stuff and think oh crap mine sucks, and tuck that idea away... surely we all do our things uniquely though? so it is different? I love your stuff, you are super talented!

oh and go the kidlets!

Nikki said...

Thanks ladies :)

It always makes me feel a bit better to get nice encouragement from the www!

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